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Post by emily on Aug 11, 2024 9:13:20 GMT
this one will take me a while to write, (so I hope the site doesn't log me out while I'm attempting it!)
so, there are two people in a car, bob and betty hill. they are driving home from a party on a rainy night, and bob is in the drivers seat
well, the weather gets too bad to see, so bob decides to call it a night and pull in to a hotel.
well, unfortunately, bob doesn't see where he is going, and crashes in to a wall. he immediately looks over at betty, who is lying on the passenger seat bleeding and unresponsive
fearing the worst, bob opens the door and carries his wife out in to the rain.
he is running and running and running, and suddenly he sees a house
he knocks on the door and this guy answers
bob says: help me!. we need a doctor!
the guy lets him in, and soon bob and betty are both on tables being examined by his son, who just happens to be a scientist
sadly, they both die, and the scientist feeling sorry for their loss, starts playing music on his piano- a soft, sad melody
well, as he is playing, he can't help but notice bob moving his feet in time to the music, and betty moving her arms
he rushes in to his father's room and says..
I can't believe it, but the hills are alive with the sound of music!
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Post by tetsabb on Aug 11, 2024 9:17:04 GMT
Ouch!
But bravo!!!
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Post by emily on Aug 11, 2024 9:19:21 GMT
woman walks in to a vet
when it is her turn, she presents the vet with a goldfish and says, I think my goldfish has epilepsy
well, the vet looks at this goldfish who is swimming about the bowl just as calm as anything and says to the woman, well, um, he looks fine to me.. are you sure?
woman says to the vet well, he might be fine now, but watch what happens when I take him out of the water
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pdr
Posted
Supremecy
Posts: 110
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Post by pdr on Aug 11, 2024 11:18:30 GMT
this one will take me a while to write, (so I hope the site doesn't log me out while I'm attempting it!) so, there are two people in a car, bob and betty hill. they are driving home from a party on a rainy night, and bob is in the drivers seat well, the weather gets too bad to see, so bob decides to call it a night and pull in to a hotel. well, unfortunately, bob doesn't see where he is going, and crashes in to a wall. he immediately looks over at betty, who is lying on the passenger seat bleeding and unresponsive fearing the worst, bob opens the door and carries his wife out in to the rain. he is running and running and running, and suddenly he sees a house he knocks on the door and this guy answers bob says: help me!. we need a doctor! the guy lets him in, and soon bob and betty are both on tables being examined by his son, who just happens to be a scientist sadly, they both die, and the scientist feeling sorry for their loss, starts playing music on his piano- a soft, sad melody well, as he is playing, he can't help but notice bob moving his feet in time to the music, and betty moving her arms he rushes in to his father's room and says.. I can't believe it, but the hills are alive with the sound of music! Did you mean "heals" rather than "hills"? PDR |
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Post by jenny on Aug 11, 2024 15:36:39 GMT
Did you mean "heals" rather than "hills"? PDR I don't think so! |
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pdr
Posted
Supremecy
Posts: 110
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Post by pdr on Aug 12, 2024 8:27:42 GMT
Did you mean "heals" rather than "hills"? PDR I don't think so! DOH! - I missed the surnames. Note to self - read the whole joke! Mind you, if it was being spoken rather than written I suspect "Heals" would have been funnier... PDR |
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pdr
Posted
Supremecy
Posts: 110
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Post by pdr on Aug 12, 2024 8:29:42 GMT
I was watching "Man of Steel the other night and it cause me to wonder if the whole Superhero thing is just another instance of the nature vs Nietzsche thing.
PDR
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Post by tetsabb on Aug 13, 2024 12:21:42 GMT
Boy bee meets girl bee.
'You look nice'
'Thank you. So do you'
'May I say that your knees are particularly outstanding?'
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pdr
Posted
Supremecy
Posts: 110
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Post by pdr on Aug 13, 2024 12:58:56 GMT
Boy bee meets girl bee. 'You look nice' 'Thank you. So do you' 'May I say that your knees are particularly outstanding?' I'm told they're the dogs bollox PDR |
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Post by tetsabb on Aug 13, 2024 21:19:51 GMT
Should you not use perfume that is past its smell-by date?
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Post by emily on Aug 15, 2024 14:37:09 GMT
michael jackson, david bowie and abba all walk in to a bar.
at the end of the bar, there's a fruit machine
michael: imagine if I win all that money, I can heal the world with it
david: nah, I'd like to see if there was life on mars, like in my song
suddenly a huge scream goes up from the members of abba and they start dancing
michael (to abba): what happened?
abba: sorry guys, but the winner takes it all
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Post by jenny on Aug 15, 2024 15:50:01 GMT
I thought the word caesarean began with an S, but when I looked in the dictionary it was in the C section.
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Bondee
KWC
Bearer of Ye olde Arcane Dobbynge Sticke.
Posts: 377
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Post by Bondee on Aug 15, 2024 20:22:24 GMT
If you touch an electric fence on purpose, does it still count as a shock?
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Post by emily on Aug 16, 2024 8:42:19 GMT
I thought the word caesarean began with an S, but when I looked in the dictionary it was in the C section. this made me laugh more than it probably should. lol |
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Post by amanda on Aug 16, 2024 8:53:59 GMT
That's actually a good one!
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Post by tetsabb on Aug 16, 2024 9:34:27 GMT
That's actually a good one! Good grief, woman, are you saying that all the other jokes we post are not of the highest quality??? 😉 |
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Post by amanda on Aug 16, 2024 10:55:59 GMT
It's just that I don't always 'get' those with a hidden meaning/double entendre, especially one of a sexual nature where a common word is also a sexual one/body part......
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Post by amanda on Aug 17, 2024 9:31:28 GMT
I had a pet newt, I called it Tiny.
Do you know why I called it Tiny?
Because it was minute.......
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Post by alexanderhoward on Aug 17, 2024 10:53:30 GMT
My old music teacher had a grand, old dog, called Bark. After it died he bought a lively mut called Often Bark (which he did, whenever he caught sight of de Pussy).
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Post by amanda on Aug 17, 2024 11:11:32 GMT
I've seen this one in the music world:
All dogs Bach, but some Offenbach.
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Post by emily on Aug 17, 2024 12:12:53 GMT
two policeman are going home when they get a call on their radio to an accident in town
well, unfortunately, when they get there, they can't save the guy involved. he's lying there on the road, limbs torn, completely motionless
first policeman says right, well, I best go tell his wife that her deliveroo driver won't be coming home tonight
other policeman: how do you know he works for deliveroo?
first policeman: well, it's late, it's cold, and half of him is missing
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Post by emily on Aug 17, 2024 12:20:34 GMT
a woman is in the shower when suddenly she slips and falls, and lands motionless on the ground
well, the guy hears the fall and the following conversation takes place between the guy and 911:
911: can I help you?
man: yes, my wife has fallen in the shower, I think she has broken something!
911: don't worry sir, where do you live?. we'll send someone round
man: eucalyptus drive
911: can you spell that?
(long pause)
man: hang on, I think I might be able to get some friends to help move her over to oak street. that's O-A-K
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Post by amanda on Aug 18, 2024 3:08:37 GMT
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk" !! Exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," Says the barman. "The circus?" Repeats the duck. "That's right," Replies the barman. "The circus?" The duck asks again, with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says "What the hell would they want with a plasterer"  |
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Post by emily on Aug 18, 2024 10:50:30 GMT
a panda walks in to a bar and orders a sandwich
he eats it, then takes out a gun and fires a shot in to the air
as the panda starts to leave, the barman asks, are you not going to pay for your food?
the panda turns round and says well, I am a panda. look it up
so the barman looks up panda and it says..
panda. eats shoots and leaves
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Post by amanda on Aug 18, 2024 11:12:45 GMT
That's the title of a book on grammar by Lynne Truss. (eats, shoots and leaves)
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Post by celebaelin on Aug 18, 2024 17:15:13 GMT
There is of course a more pornographic version of that joke...
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Post by emily on Aug 19, 2024 7:43:11 GMT
There is of course a more pornographic version of that joke... curiosity is eating away at me I wanna know! |
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Post by alexanderhoward on Aug 19, 2024 8:58:50 GMT
There is of course a more pornographic version of that joke... curiosity is eating away at me I wanna know! Does it start "All the girls call him 'The Wombat'..." ? |
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Post by celebaelin on Aug 19, 2024 9:31:31 GMT
None of the versions I can find online are particularly good (many seem to think bamboo is a bush) so I'll post what I regard as a better version of my own devising. Word choices that might offend a particularly timid child have been partially whited out for your protection so don't blame me if you peek:
Somewhat unusually for a member of its species a panda is feeling particularly horny. As luck would have it as he trudged his lonely path through the temperate forest he encountered a young lady of negotiable virtue who happened to be on a hiking holiday. Overwhelmed with ardour the panda pinned the harlot down and started to perform cunnilingus on her. After a while of this he was warming to his theme and, now fully engorged, entered her thrusting pandafully with the full length of his penis into her warm and willing vagina and eventually ejaculating balls deep inside her.
Now suitably spent the panda decides to move on to a particularly luscious patch of bamboo he knows is nearby when the strumpet says "Hey! You owe me 50 Yuan for that!" Puzzled, the panda replies "We both had a good time didn't we? Why should I pay you?" "I'm a prostitute - look it up" she responds throwing him a pocket dictionary from her backpack. The panda reads:
prostitute
/ˈprɒstɪtjuːt/
noun
noun: prostitute; plural noun: prostitutes
a person, in particular a woman, who engages in sexual activity for payment.
The panda then announces "Nah love - I'm a panda. Look that up" and throws the dictionary back. The confused hooker finds the right page and discovers the definition:
panda
/ˈpandə/
noun
noun: panda; plural noun: pandas; noun: giant panda; plural noun: giant pandas
a large bearlike mammal with characteristic black and white markings, native to certain mountain forests in China. The species has become increasingly rare. Eats, shoots and leaves.
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Post by alexanderhoward on Aug 19, 2024 10:39:23 GMT
Erm, yes. I was just thinking of the one that runs "The girls call him the Wombat, 'cause he eats, roots and leaves."
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