I say I say I say - The Jokes thread

[barbados]

What do dwarves and midgets have in common?

Very little

I’m here all week

[Guy Barry]

Jul 11, 2024 16:24:42 GMT barbados said:

I’m here all week

Are you leaving after that?

[barbados]

The one person you wouldn’t want to leave is me

[Guy Barry]

It's all right, I love you really

[jenny]

How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he owns until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the socket.

[pdr]

[pdr]

This isn't so much a joke as a wry observation, but here's as good a place as any for it:

[pdr]

[crissdee]

Jul 19, 2024 8:47:39 GMT pdr said:

Reminds me of a joke by the wonderful Rita Rudner.  "I used to be a ballet dancer, but I injured a groin muscle, and it wasn't mine..."

[tetsabb]

This is not Comic Sans
This is Comic Sans MS

[tetsabb]

I was robbed today by six dwarves.
Not Happy.

[jenny]

Are you feeling sleepy now?

[tetsabb]

No, dopey...
😉

[tafkasouthpaw]

A man is waiting impatiently outside the maternity unit, pacing back and forth. The doctor comes in with a grim look on his face.

"Oh my god, doc, is everything ok?!" Says the man

"Both your wife and your baby are fine, but... Your child is... Incomplete..."

"Incomplete?"

"Yes, he... He has no arms."

Taking a deep breath, the man says "you know what? I don't care. He's my son and I love him and we'll make it work. Maybe he'll be a great runner!"

"Well... No. You see, he has no legs..."

Crestfallen, the man takes a moment and says "I don't care, he's still my son... I play guitar, maybe he'll be a great singer with me"

"Erm... No. Look, perhaps you should come through and meet your son"

They step through to the ward and the doctor draws back a curtain. There in the crib is a perfect, wiggling little ear.

"Oh my god. Son, son! It's ok, Daddy's here!" exclaims the man.

The doctor puts a consoling hand on the man's shoulder and says "It's no good... He's deaf."

[suze]

That reminds me of a fairly old joke, again set in a maternity unit.

Three new fathers are pacing up and down when the doctor comes in with a grim look on his face.  One father is from England, one is from Scotland, and the third is a be-dreadlocked Jamaican.

"I have bad news", says the doctor.  "All three babies are well, but we've lost the tags and we don't know which of them is whose.  Do you guys think you would recognise your own child?".

The Scotsman says that he would, and is led away to the cots.  He returns a few minutes later with a black baby, and the Jamaican says "Just one second, man".  The Scot replies "I know, but one of the other two is a Sassenach".

[Bondee]

Reminds me of the joke that inspired the name of Iron Maiden's mascot, Eddie the Head.

I can't do it justice so I'll let Maiden's drummer, Nicko McBrain, tell it.

[barbados]

My cousin Marge has been ill for such a long time.
So long in fact I can’t believe she’s not better

[Sadurian Mike]

Albert was desperately constipated. He'd suffered for years, and no amount of laxatives seemed to help. He'd spent hours on internet forums discussing the problem and, eventually, one outlandish suggestion caught his eye.

"The problem with our bowels," pontificated one user, "is that they were originally evolved when the air pressure was much less than it is today. The only way to properly compensate is to climb to a really high altitude, mimicking the lower air pressure that our bowels have developed to operate at."

This did seem rather bizarre to Albert, and he was not alone. The forum argued long and hard about the issue and one user, CleverBollox548, presented an in-depth rebuttal about how it couldn't possibly work. Albert, though, was desperate. He decided to try the theory out and arranged to climb Ben Nevis the following day.

With his trusty laptop ready to report the results, Albert sat at teh top of Ben Nevis and strained his bowels. Nothing... excpet... maybe... no. Only a small squeaky fart. This was duly reported on the forum, to the delighted "I told you so" of CleverBollox548.

Albert, however, was not to be put off. If the cure for his constipation was out there, he would persevere. Thus, he booked a flight to the Alps and climbed the peak of Mont Blanc. Optimistically noting his progress on the forum, Albert squatted and strained. This time, he definitely felt a gurgling and produced a somewhat more encouraging fart. CleverBollox548 sneered on the forum, "You're wasting your time you idiot."

Albert was convinced that he was on the right track and took out a loan to fly to Nepal, where he joined a team climbing Everest. This was the highest mountain and must surely be the ultimate test. Hour after gruelling hour he climbed, slipping and sliding but persevering until, finally, he alone in his group reached the summit. This was it. By some miracle, there was a wi-fi signal on the peak and so Albert carefully reported in to the forum. "You're a idiot, it's never going to work" came the predictable response from CleverBollox548.

Albert made himself a small shelter and took down the layers of protective clothing. With his bare arse exposed to the freezing elements, he squatted and pushed. Something inside him moved! He pushed a little more. Yes, his bowels were reacting. He pushed a little more and then, gloriously, out curled the long-awaited turd. Albert was ecstatic. He pushed out another and then another. He couldn't resist announcing his victory on the forum and, quoting CleverBollox548's last doom-ridden post, he reponded with a huge laughing face and a large-font LOL.

At that moment, the leader of his climbing team struggled into view. "What on earth are you doing," he asked.

Albert grinned. "I'm shitting, on top of the world. Just lolling a wrong, just lolling a wrong."

[celebaelin]

Hi Mike!

Today is apparently National Tell An Old Joke Day

nationaltoday.com/tell-an-old-joke-day/

Sooooooo...

This 100 year old guy is being interviewed for the local news about his message from the King and the interviewer can't get over how young he looks.  Eventually she just has to say "You're incredible Sam!  How on earth do you keep yourself looking so young?"

"OK I'll tell you," replies Sam "every morning a do 50 press-ups, 50 body crunches and 50 squats.  Then I take a five mile walk before starting on whatever tasks I've set myself for the day - gardening, cleaning, paperwork - whatever.  Other than that it's a matter of not drinking, not smoking, not eating spicy or fatty foods, staying celibate and not taking any silly risks like parachuting or bungee jumping."

"Amazing;" says the reporter "so what have you got planned for the rest of today?"

"Ah, well today's a special day so I thought I'd celibrate."

"Fantastic;" she exclaims "but how?"

[jenny]

That was a brilliant shaggy dog story, Mike. I shall duly relay it to Woodsman.

[Sadurian Mike]

My great grandfather came to this country penniless.

Within a few years he had made enough money to buy a house and settle down, and all that knowing only three words in English.

"Stick 'em up."

[pdr]

I wondered if this would be better in the Pour English thread

Today someone said to me "What rhymes with orange". He's clearly not mastered the language yet, so I felt obliged to point out that it doesn't, what rhymes with dot and cot but not orange.

PDR

[barbados]

Of course, if you’d been asked what Other thing rhymes with orange? You could have said “another orange”

[Bondee]

Nothing rhymes with orange, or so the poets say
But orange rhymes with nothing in a most peculiar way

[emily]

I think most of my jokes are too long to post in this thread

I'll think of something short. try toooo..

[efros]

I told you that kebab was dodgy last night Hedwig!

[jenny]

Aug 10, 2024 8:29:12 GMT emily said:

I think most of my jokes are too long to post in this thread

I'll think of something short. try toooo..

I shouldn't worry about that if I were you Emily - check out @sadurian Mike's joke upthread!

[emily]

husband and wife are on a trip in jamaica

they pass a shop that says in the window, we have shoes that will improve your lovelife

well, the husband thinks.. it's not been so good lately, so he goes in and asks about the shoes

the shopkeeper (who is also male), brings out the shoes and tells him to try them on

well, he does, and when he does he gets a glint in his eye that no one (not even his wife) has seen before

then he bends over the shopkeeper and the shopkeeper yells stop, stop!. you have them on the wrong feet!

[emily]

so, there's this woman in a hospital bed, and all day she's been struggling to go to the toilet. (she thinks she needs to, but it never happens)

well, she's just about to pass the next attempt off as failed as well, when she accidentaly soils the sheets.

well, she is horrified and decides to throw them out of the hospital window

they land in the carpark below, just as a man gets out of his car

he's standing there staring at the sheets when someone aproaches him and asks, what are you doing?

guy replies: I think I just scared the shit out of a ghost!

[amanda]

The second one is funny (to me)